the long con (or: identifying Andrew Bolt as satire)

Okay so I don’t even know how to start writing this so I’m just going to post some choice quotes from an article written about former Prime Minister Tony Abbott posted on Andrew Bolt’s blog today.

In many ways he seemed too moral for the job

That’s a quote about a guy who wouldn’t let same sex peoples find legislative support for their relationship while the rest of the world moves forward on the very same issue.  That’s a quote about a guy who’s entire Prime Ministerial career was about refusing asylum and breaking international law in order to achieve it, while also dabbling in tax breaks for big business and cuts to pensions for old retired poor people and also medicare.

That’s a quote about a guy who winked when some lady phoned a radio station and mentioned she was a phone sex worker.

abbott wink_0

too moral for the job, folks

in the face of astonishing heckling and even vilification from our media class

This is my favourite sentence fragment of all time.  In context it’s talking about how The Great and Powerful One True Lord Tony Abbott saved the economy by cutting spending (untrue), saved the planet by abolishing a carbon tax (untrue), and single-handed murdered Vladamir Putin in a one-on-one bout of topless manly fisticuffs (untrue) — all while facing the terrible opposition of the NEWS MEDIA.

all of it.  the whole news media.  THE WHOLE NEWS MEDIA. or i dunno maybe just the abc?

I really enjoy that Mr. Bolt seems to pretend like he’s not a part of whatever exactly the media class is.  I also really enjoy that his audience totally falls for the trick and follows him into willful cognitive dissonance by the separation of one news media from the other news media as if editorial mandates are enough to stop all journalists from being basically a slightly different interpretation of the same old potato sack full of rotten lettuce. (except leigh sales she’s my spirit animal)

Anyway, I didn’t realise the rest of the article is behind a paywall AND FUCKED IF I’M PAYING TO READ ANDREW BOLT so let’s just move on to part two of my piece: the part where I rock your world. WITH TWO PICTURES.

First: a screen grab from an episode of Andrew Bolt’s show, The Bolt Report.

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i feel like a jellybean

And second: a screen grab from the closest equivalent American show I can think of:

Comedy Central's THE COLBERT REPORT debuts Monday, October 17 at 11:30 p.m. ET/PT. Photo by Joel Jefferies ©2005 COMEDY CENTRAL

hey the photo is from 2005 but you get my point

 

NOW CITIZENS THE INFORMATION I HAVE JUST STUMBLED UPON IS TRULY FRIGHTENING AND ALARMING AND STARTLING AND, UPON REFLECTION, NOT ALL THAT SURPRISING.

I mean, think about it.  HAVE YOU EVER SEEN SOMEONE THAT naturally SMUG-LOOKING.  And who, WHO, MY FRIENDS I ASK YOU WHO, in their right mind, would think a show that looks like that while being called The Bolt Report would actually function in the same social climate as The Colbert Report also any time after 1989????  And then there’s the whole racial discrimination act thing, and the whole “Tony Abbott is a good bloke” thing AS IF THE MORAL FIBRE AND CHARACTER OF A PRIME MINISTER IS EVEN REMOTELY IMPORTANT WHEN HIS ENTIRE MODUS OPERANDI IS SAVING MONEY BUT THE RESULTS OF EVERYTHING HE DOES/DID IS FURTHER DECLINE INTO ECONOMIC DEFICIT i don’t even believe in the surplus and even i think that’s just bad economics srsly BUT I DIGRESS

Andrew Bolt is [allegedly] a [hu]man [being] who DAY-TO-DAY makes comments like the one’s I’ve isolated above with a straight face and sometimes he does it on TV.

And you know what?  I think he might be the best actor I’ve ever seen.

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it’s all a fucking joke

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